How do I stop waiting for someone else to change?
If you feel like your life is on hold because you are waiting for someone else to change, the first step is to bring your attention back to what you can choose, even if the bigger situation cannot change overnight.
Perhaps you are waiting for your partner to understand you, become more loving, or finally see how much you have been carrying. Perhaps you are waiting until the children are older, you have more money, you feel braver, or something happens that makes the decision easier.
Sometimes we don’t even realise we are waiting. We simply keep thinking, “One day things will be different.”
And life carries on.
Why do we keep waiting for someone else to change?
I was thinking about this after a conversation with a woman who had recently gone through a divorce.
She was putting her divorce papers into the post when she suddenly felt a wave of emotions move through her body. There was sadness, fear and anger, but underneath all of that she felt something she hadn’t expected.
Freedom.
As we talked, she began to see the difference between the woman she had been during her marriage and the woman she was beginning to become.
For years, she had become used to having someone beside her to support her, protect her, guide her or help her make decisions. Somewhere along the way, doing things independently had started to feel almost impossible.
This made me wonder: when do we start believing that someone else has to make us feel safe, secure or capable?
Sometimes it begins much earlier than we realise.
From the little girl to the woman
A girl may grow up hearing small messages about what it means to be a “good girl”.
Be nice.
Don’t argue.
Don’t be too demanding.
Think about what people will say.
Be patient.
Perhaps she also watches the women around her adjusting, compromising and keeping the peace. She may see them putting their own needs aside for their partners, children or families.
There is nothing wrong with being caring, loving or considerate.
The difficulty begins when a girl learns that being loved or accepted depends on how well she can please everyone else.
Slowly, she may start looking outside herself for reassurance.
Am I doing the right thing?
Are they happy with me?
What will people think?
Should I say something or stay quiet?
As she grows older, she may become very good at understanding what everyone else needs while becoming less familiar with her own needs.
Then she enters a relationship.
Perhaps she hopes her partner will finally understand her, protect her and make her feel loved and secure.
Then she becomes a mother. Her responsibilities grow. There are children, work, money, family expectations and countless decisions to make.
And somewhere in all of this, she may stop asking:
“What do I want?”
Instead, she asks:
“What does everyone else need from me?”
This is how waiting can become part of a person’s life.
Perhaps he will understand one day.
Perhaps he will change.
Perhaps things will be better when the children are older.
Perhaps one day I will finally feel free.
You see, sometimes we can spend so much time hoping another person will change our circumstances that we forget to ask ourselves:
“What can I change?”
That doesn’t mean leaving a relationship is simple. There can be children, money, housing, immigration concerns, family pressure, emotional dependence and, in some relationships, genuine safety concerns.
So this isn’t about blaming someone for staying.
It is about gently asking:
“Where do I have a choice now?”
Why can independence feel so frightening?
Sometimes there is no physical barrier stopping you.
You may have a job. You may have money. You may technically be free to make your own decisions.
And yet you can still feel trapped.
The cage can be made from fear.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of financial insecurity.
Fear of disappointing your family.
Fear of what people will say.
Fear that you won’t cope.
Fear that you aren’t capable enough.
And perhaps the biggest fear of all:
“What if I fail?”
When you have spent years believing that someone else is stronger, wiser or more capable than you, taking responsibility for your own life can feel frightening.
This is why simply telling someone, “Just be independent,” rarely helps.
You can know intellectually that you are capable while another part of you is still saying, “Don’t. It’s too risky. Wait.”
And so you wait.
People-pleasing can become part of this pattern too. Keeping everyone happy can feel safer than dealing with rejection, conflict or disapproval. Over time, your own needs can become so unfamiliar that you genuinely don’t know what you want anymore.
And that’s okay.
The first step isn’t judging yourself for how you got here.
Try to understand what taught you to stop trusting yourself.
What if the voice telling you that you can’t isn’t really yours?
I often think about this alongside an idea from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements.
Ruiz describes the internal Judge and Victim. His broader message is that, as children, we absorb many beliefs and rules from the people and environments around us. Some of those beliefs become so familiar that we eventually experience them as truth.
Think about the messages you may have carried for years:
“You can’t do this.”
“You need someone.”
“Don’t make trouble.”
“It’s safer to stay where you are.”
“Who do you think you are?”
The important question is whether these are really your beliefs today, or whether they are old messages that you learned a long time ago.
The moment you begin questioning them, you create some space between what happened to you and who you are now.
You may have been hurt.
You may have been controlled.
You may have become dependent.
You may have learned to keep yourself small.
But those experiences don’t have to decide every choice you make from this point forward.
This is where responsibility needs to be separated from blame.
What happened to you may not have been your fault.
But asking “What is within my control today?” can slowly give you something very precious back.
Your choice.
What happens when you start taking responsibility for your life?
Let’s go back to the woman at the Post Office.
After her divorce, she found a steady job. She created her own home. She started making her own decisions and slowly began standing on her own feet.
Then she reached places in her life she had never imagined possible.
When she looked back, she realised something that was both painful and beautiful.
She had been far more capable than she had believed.
The woman who had spent years believing she needed rescuing had been waiting to discover herself.
This is often one of the hardest parts of becoming more independent. You begin to meet the parts of yourself that have been waiting for permission.
The little girl who learned to be good.
The young woman who hoped someone would choose her.
The wife who kept hoping things would change.
The mother who put everyone before herself.
And eventually, the woman who can say:
“I am here now. I can make a decision. I can take responsibility for my life. I can learn to trust myself.”
That is where change can begin.
It doesn’t always begin with a dramatic decision.
Sometimes it begins with opening your own bank account, returning to work, learning a new skill, making one decision without asking everyone else, saving a little money, saying no, starting therapy or simply listening to your own voice again.
One small decision can tell you:
“I matter too.”
Your body may need time to feel safe with your new choices
There is another part of this that I often work with in therapy.
You can understand everything intellectually and still feel frightened in your body.
You may know, “I am capable,” while another part of you is still expecting something bad to happen.
When dependence has been connected with safety for a long time, independence can initially feel uncomfortable. Your mind may be ready to move forward while your body is still expecting danger.
This is why grounding, EFT tapping, breathing, meditation and gentle body awareness can be helpful.
You are giving yourself repeated experiences of making a choice and discovering that you are okay.
You can say no and still be okay.
You can disappoint someone and still be okay.
You can make a mistake and learn from it.
You can make a decision without asking everyone else.
You can look after yourself.
And slowly, you begin to trust yourself again.
You don’t have to stop needing other people
Becoming independent doesn’t mean becoming hard or deciding that you don’t need anyone.
Healthy independence allows you to love people, care for them and receive support while still knowing that your life belongs to you.
You can allow someone to stand beside you without believing they have to carry you.
You can ask for help without handing over all your decisions.
You can love someone without making their approval the measure of your worth.
And you can care about what other people think without allowing their opinions to decide your entire life.
The woman putting her divorce papers into the Post Office that day wasn’t simply finishing some paperwork.
She was closing one chapter.
She had a job. She had her own home. She was making decisions. She had survived something she once thought she couldn’t.
Most importantly, she had started to trust herself.
Sometimes we spend so long believing someone else has the key that we forget to look at our own hand.
Perhaps your next step isn’t to change your whole life.
Perhaps it is simply to ask:
“What is one decision I can make for myself today?”
Start there.
And that’s okay.
FAQs
How do I stop waiting for someone else to change?
Start by noticing what you are waiting for and then ask yourself what is within your control. You may not be able to change another person’s behaviour, but you can begin making choices about your boundaries, responses, finances, support, work and wellbeing.
Why do I feel trapped when nobody is stopping me?
You may have developed strong fears around being alone, making mistakes, rejection, money or coping without support. These fears can become so familiar that they feel like facts. Therapy can help you understand where these beliefs came from and gradually build greater self-trust.
How can I become more emotionally independent?
Begin with small choices. Notice what you want before automatically asking what everyone else wants. Practise saying no, create boundaries and make some decisions without seeking constant reassurance. Emotional independence develops through repeated experiences of trusting yourself.
How do I stop feeling like a victim in my relationship?
Try to separate responsibility from blame. What happened to you may not have been your fault. At the same time, you can ask, “What is within my control now?” This can help you recognise the choices available to you without blaming yourself for the past.
Can therapy help me rebuild my confidence after divorce or a difficult relationship?
Yes. Therapy can give you space to understand relationship patterns, rebuild self-worth, process difficult emotions and develop greater confidence in your decisions. Talking therapy, EFT, grounding and mindfulness can also help you feel safer as you make changes in your life.
